I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.
Paulo Coelho
I have written many poems and short stories in the past but this is my first foray into the very hipster spoken word genre. It took me a whole 5 minutes to write this because I was blessed with inspiration at the most unusual of times – while playing with my daughter.
“Huling Biyahe” is my take on finding love as a woman in her mid 30s. Here I recount the day I met the love of my life, Raymond. I promise there will be no cheesy hugot lines. However, if you are single and still waiting for the elusive The One, it is my sincere hope that this piece gives you the courage to wait and not settle.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
That was my heart.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
I thought if I met him my heart would beat louder.
Almost drowning my ears.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
Why is it faint?
I met Raymond on a beautiful afternoon. He flew all the way to Manila to see me. It was our first date. And I haven’t slept well for days because of overthinking. Will he think I’m pretty? Will he find my smile awkward? Will he think I’m fat? Will he laugh at my jokes? And the uncomfortable question, will he ask me out for a second date?
After so many heartbreaks, here I am. Dating yet again. We were both in our 30s which, believe me, is an essential aspect in dating. For some reason – this goes especially for women – it is harder to navigate the dating scene when you’re “past your prime” as per the society’s standards.
“May agiw na ang matres mo”
“Magayos ka naman”
“Pano may manliligaw syo eh ang busy mo”
“Pag successful ka kasi nate-turnoff ang mga lalaki”
And my personal favorite, “Mapili ka kasi. Babaan mo standards mo”
I’ve heard all of them. It was as if the people around me are in an ongoing campaign to push me towards dating again. I wasn’t exactly into their vision but I admit sometimes it gets lonely.
“I’m outside your gate”, he texted.
Good Lord! Have mercy on me.
Please, I haven’t went out with any man for awhile. Help me not to mess this up.
I patted my dog and my cat. I’m pretty sure they are wishing me well, too. I said another short prayer because the Lord knows how truly nervous I was. Then, as if on Divine cue, I had to endure a flashback of my dear nanay coming to me a split second before I opened the door, “Huling byahe mo na yan”.
Oh, Nanay please. You will jinx it!
I opened the front door and saw a silhouette of a man outside the gate. It is now or never. I stepped out and the rest, as they say, is history.
It’s so easy to be a cynic. Almost automatic for some. If you’re like me who had more than her fair share of the world’s a**h*l*s and e**boys, it will be natural. 2 proposals that lead to Nowhere Land and a string of MUs which I thought at that time stood for mutual understanding but was just actually maiksing ugnayan – a spur of the moment spark that succumbs in the darkness all too quickly.
I took a Dating Sabbatical. A year to be sure. I tuned out all the negative comments about my singleness. Spent time with family and friends. Tried unfamiliar things. Sought new hobbies. With God’s grace, I found a complete me. I do not need anyone to fill my void. I was badly broken but skillfully repaired by God. I have my scars and my marks. And they are beautiful. That moment I loved me, was the moment God told me I’m ready.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
That was my heart.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
My sister, my maid of honor, already started to walk towards the aisle.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
Oh heart, why are you faint again?
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap.
Listen to me. Our memories has taught me to calm down. To take in the now and feel it. I will not race. I will not drown you. I will let the rush overcome but I will be steady. Because my dear, the one is here. This time. In His time. It will be good.
